Wednesday, September 26, 2007

It's True . . .

If you know me, you have most likely heard me utter (more than a baker's dozen times), "if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I'd be happy to have spent today with you" . . . or some telling incarnation of that sentence. And I mean it folks. Well, today, after taking a much needed sick day, I took my sad, Rudolph nosed self to run a few minor errands in this most brilliant of weather. After starting my day at my favorite coffee shop, I headed out of my sanctuary-like neighborhood to get things done.

Crowning the top of Geary Street I almost got hit by a bus. No joke. It was such a shock. I am eternally grateful for the loud horn from the driver that further ushered me to safe ground on Franklin Street (or is it Gough, I'm often confused directionally speaking with those two). No, it wasn't my fault, but the unpredictable error of traffic lights and overzealous drivers. Regardless, today I had a moment that was almost truth, almost my life's personal fate. I try to remind myself daily that this life is temporary, therefore be expressive, be alive and real, and sad and open and vulnerable and strong and hopeful and despondent and just feel; feel it all. (like one of my favorite songs by Feist, find and listen, you'll thank me.) Honestly speaking, there's no way that I could live tomorrow without taking risks in life; granted much more grounded risks, risks that I have ownership over, non-traffic related risks.

The message here, however, I suppose is to act as a small reminder to you all - those people I love so dearly and hold so close, too close sometimes - to really think that this day, this very moment could be our last. And that's why we can be shameful no more about loving people intensely and saying each phrase that rests on the tip of our tongues, the so-close-we-can-taste-them kind . . . and shout them.

Tonight I saw a person, a man I once thought to be the end all, be all of my tiny little romantic world. I thought one day he might hold me in high esteem, the way his eyes and smiles and embrace once hinted and did. But alas, not so. And speaking today, that fact is more than okay. And in the spirit of being in the moment and present, I left him no room to dangle the proverbial carrot, to keep me hanging on like that perfect 80s cover . . . instead I was honest and forward (maybe too forward) . . . But my dialogue is the direct result of my day, a drive on the verge that left me simultaneously unapologetic and full of love for those who are willing recipients. He knows I care, but due to the way he decides to treat our new found friendship (?), I wonder where his mind would have been drifting had I really gotten hit by that big old bus? No pity party here, just inquiry. I never want to think of the what- ifs with my friends and loved ones. That alone, my pretties, is precisely why I hug you too tight, call and write you too often and miss you every moment of my day. True story.

If you got hit by a bus tomorrow, what would you have loved to have been doing tonight? Who would you be with, and how would you be remembered? Know that you would be loved, at least by me.

PS: Subaru spelled backwards is "U r a Bus," so watch out for them too.


molly said...

excellent. i've felt this way often but have only acted towards it's positive results, without want of return, lately. it feels good to live openly.

Cake and Documents said...

i love you sar-ah bear-a

comfies said...

u R loved back!

Christina said...

i'm catching up here.. and oh how i love this post! amen.