Sunday, March 30, 2008
Tonight I am off to Mexico with a girl who I'm guessing is my sister from a different mister, we were separated at birth I'm quite sure. Who else finishes each other's sentences without such strong genetic ties? Who else can translate a simple stare into complete experiences, detailed dilemmas and insightful inside jokes that other people just "don't get?" Hmmm. I must question my mom more about this sibling scenario. Either way, we're out of this city for a few days, to catch up on, even redefine R&R. Rest and Relaxation and Rejuvenation and sure some Rock n' Roll thrown in for good measure, we two need this break from our day to days so very much. Will you miss us? We'll miss you, and say salud! to you and yours while we sip a tasty margarita or two.
Sometimes vacations offer timely shifts in scenery, breaks from routines and the occasional moment for reflection. I hope to reflect, reevaluate and really wrangle my self and my senses on this trip. When I come back, I hope to have had my presence missed, but more so, I hope to have found myself to be more present, with myself. Here's to leaving it all behind and then coming back to find . . .
Thursday, March 27, 2008
"When you awaken, then you are obligated to think about what to do with all of that glorious energy in the morning, right? You know, when you want to just knock the hell out of what's holding you back from being truly happy or getting what you want out of life. That's the bad energy at work. All you need is the nerve, to find the nerve to do what you really want to do, right? The problem is that it may come natural to you, but it does not always come easy. So, maybe now you've got a clue about what's been on my mind. I think it is still considered an Olympic event nowadays: wrestling. I hear it's Tibet vs. China . . . after Tibet's Independence Day . . . of course. Grappling. I feel someone grabbing my elbow."
Adam J, wrote these words to me in a letter I received just yesterday. Sometimes I wonder how he knows me so well. How can another person feel my pulse race, how can he know that I am not alright, even miles away? Is it that obvious, I wonder? Either way, Adam always manages to instill questions in my ever prolific and imaginative mind and simultaneously quell the insecurities I rely upon. He continues with:
"And in order to win, you need to realize the powerlessness you might feel in any difficult situation, and admit that the reason you feel that way is because you are powerless. So, it's somehow about promoting a wrestling match between you and you. It's the raging battle within that takes your spirit and your sleep. And makes you sweat."
I cannot express to you, my few and far between readers, what these words mean to me. They speak to me on so very many levels. I will conclude with this wisdom, courtesy of a man who knows no limits of compassion and generosity.
"And so you do little things like play your guitar, which takes you away from all of that for a little while. And if you pay close attention you can figure out what I am listening to lately, can't you? (it's Clapton). You have a coffee with your best friend. You can also call your mother on Easter Sunday and ask if she still hears the squirrels running around in the attic - and I don't mean mentally! And you take stock in what is really happening around you, and try to fit it all in. You look for the rescue impulse everywhere. You lay out those personal expectations that fuel the impetus to change. Then you wait . . . for the big event."
This is my big event. This moment, this time, right now - is make or break. I am in love with someone, perhaps an idea of someone, who does not, or cannot reciprocate my sentiments. Tonight I sit, waiting for a phone call, wondering if the phantom doorbell ringing was actually his finger's pressing, and think to myself about deserving, about intention and about fate. I want so badly to be in love. But the love I should be seeking is the love of self and of life and of those who mirror my own profundities. So, I share these inspirational words with you, my loved ones, because it is the truth. We need to wrestle and get dirty with our demons. And then, we need to win, by way of want. So tonight I bid adieu to those feelings that corner my heart, that label my efforts and that seek to quell my creativity. A mouthful, I know, but thanks to Adam, tonight, I see how simple it can be.
Fly away to you. To you and to yours.