Rock and then you too can Roll . . .

Adam loves rock n' roll, ahem, Rock N' Roll. Tonight I received a package in the mail, the most exciting part of my day . . . snail mail that is not a bill, nor a reminder that a certain doctor doesn't accept my insurance so I have to pay up. No cable company promotion, nor 20% discount card to a store I rarely frequent, no, nothing like that. Instead I get a personalized letter, a compact disc with one phenomenal track and some cold hard cash . . . and this time around a check too, made out to yours truly for the specific amount (tax included) that only a salesgirl at Nordstrom could appreciate. Wow, right? I know.

To enlighten and inform you of how very taken care of I can be, not by myself, but by the generosity of others, here's an excerpt from Adam's note:


"Just define your current mission and then keep your eyes and ears on the target in the spotlight. Make sure you try and do it so that someone actually does it. When the odds are against attaining perfection just take a deep breath and give it your best shot. If you make a gaffe and think everybody is thinking what an idiot you are, relax: people are far too busy thinking about themselves to even notice. I know there is a mistake in that sinewy bass line (referencing the awesome track he sent me), I cannot hear it - and neither could he. That's true artistic and personal freedom. There's an influential artist somewhere within you."

Yeah, big sigh. His words always inspire and reflect and remind me that I have a gift, just like you do (wink and a high five). We are not empty saviors, but instead fully capable and soul saviors nonetheless. I have recently learned, and continue to learn everyday, that I cannot save others. Many don't want to be saved, and some, well one in particular, I think may never allow himself the pleasure. Regardless, investing in ourselves, via thick, luxurious mascara or precious therapy, is of paramount concern, right? Yes, I think so. I so hope that soon, I will allow myself to heal, and assume the position as the driver and the provider of the road map. The road map to my better life. I have much assistance, maybe we'll call them back seat drivers, but not the annoying kind, the helpful type, and am so grateful to them (Adam, Mara, Mikey, Molly, Danica, Meg, Corey, T and the fam). Nevertheless, I can't ever be good to nor for them if I am constantly asking and relying upon their strong, yet outside resources. So I'll read the book I've been loaned "You Can Heal Your Life," and I'll wake up each day and do something for myself, which is ultimately something for others, for them - which makes me happy. I love love and love loving people in my life. I just have to get better at one so that I may be the best at the other.

Thank you Adam, for the words, the perfectly laid down bass line, for future mascara, for provisions and therapy and maybe even a new pair of shoes - shoes that will assist me in my walk through this crazy and beautiful and awe inspiring journey most people simply call "life."

Here I go, off to see "the real me."

PS: to better understand my jargon, look up one bassist named John Entwhistle, and the song whose title I know not, but the chorus is "can you see the real me?"

The image above is Rock 'n' Roll sur les Quais de Pari. Paul Almasy (1906 – 2003), was a pioneer of photojournalism. A native of Hungary, Almasy trekked the globe for six decades, amassing 120,000 photos in an exceptionally detailed archive of 20th century history. Stressing content over form in order to educate viewers, Almasy’s photos still exemplify artistic excellence.

Note: Artistic excellence, or as I first read it: "elegance." Here's to us, the artists.

sunday, bloody saturday

Today, other than my time on the bench. Other than my grand conversations with Lisa and my sweetest hour(s) stolen from and spent with Mol, other than those fine minutes, I was alone. All alone. And, guess what . . . it was fine, it was in fact divine. I sat on my roof in the perfect sun and got an imperfect tan - which happens when you're a white girl. Sure my Mom's Sicilian blood helped me not to burn too bad, but color, I got. A book, The Secret Life of Bees, spoke to me, as did the pigeons. I'm grateful for this day, a day when the only phone call back I got was from my parents. And a text from my best girlfriend who is deservedly sunning herself in Las Vegas with her oh, so awesome Mom. Otherwise, the ten notes I sent out, not spawned of boredom, but of finally having the time to do so, went unreturned. But you know what, I'm alright with that. I've been notorious for not responding immediately, hence this may be my communication karma. Nevertheless, today reminded me that dammit, I am most certainly good company. For myself and by myself. Hopefully my day tomorrow is just as splendid as today's. Although a call or text back would feel real good too.

xoxox

woman on wire

I have a fan. How lucky am I? I know this. I am not in a rock band, nor am I a famous artist, hell, my name isn't even that cool - (although, like the Annie Hall's of the world, I do have a film whose name I share. Sadly, however, "my" film is no Annie Hall).

I received a package in the mail the other day. A CD and a note. Both containing reminders and beautiful words of wisdom. I will share with you what Adam has to say. His words often become mantras I try to live by. And these three rules, or suggestions of his, I am most definitely going to abide by.

GOAL: try and work on strengthening your level of openness and hone your sense of fearlessness as you drift away from him.

TRUTH: what is going on with him is not always about you; try and believe that message with all of your soul. bookmark it.

RESIST: the latent urge to try and heal him and everybody else. it needs to be about you and only you now. yes, you.

The note began with this insight about the music:

you just have to take some great country guitar licks that could have blasted right out of the fender telecaster of the late Buck Owens, mix it up with a darn fine soul singer whose first name somehow turned out to be Dobie, and it all seems to work just fine when it is all done. it is nearly as irrational as finding true love itself.

Thank You. The photo he included (see above) in a recent email struck me too. My ex had a tattoo, of barbed wire. It was around one of his ankles, like a shackle. Homemade at a young age, maybe 15, it is one of his biggest regrets. Odd though, I think he knew more about himself then, than he realizes. Barbed wire never really obstructs a view, it's main purpose is to keep people out (private property), and also to keep people locked in (prison). Pretty deep? Yeah I know, almost too well.

He, my ex, said he didn't liked girls with tattoos. I got mine on August 27, 2008. I love it. I see it not as a fence, nor a premeditated attempt at aversion, but as an affirmation, it's me, a very real part of me. And he already abandoned that months ago. PS: just don't tell my parents.

Don't even know what I'll find when I get to you . . .

Sorry for the delay . . . "it's so many miles . . . since I met you. Don't even know what I say when I get to you, but suddenly now, I know where I belong. It's many hundred miles, and it won't be long. It won't be long."

And nor will I be - long, there, those hundreds of miles behind.

Today, well, not yesterday, but the day before, it was over. Really over, as in, game over. My lives have been (video game like) exhausted. No more will I rekindle, reignite, assume that life, that position. He has written me off, and I him.

Tonight I spent some time with a lovely and loved man, not the one who has hurt me for months on end. I love him, this one, not like that - well maybe (it has been 5 years), but he cares for me, not like that, I wish. Nevertheless, this guy has seen me at my highest of highs, my very bottoms of lows, and still shows up. Even my ex never tried that; really showing up. I love him this great, curiously complex neighbor,but now is not the time, and maybe it won't ever come. That is fine. For now, I will simply love and adore and revel in his most genuine of company, truly - big sighs of fresh air. With him there is no judgement, or if there is, it's tiny and dissipates, he forgives me, like time.

Alas, my heart is still aching, breaking a bit, although it's mostly broken and done and dust. But tonight thank you RCL for reminding me that my company is cherished and even worthy of footing the bill. I owe you, so much more than dinner.

Oh UpROARs

Uproar ***
Valid during many months: A series of sudden and unexpected events will probably strain your nerves to the utmost, making this a difficult time. This is most likely to happen if you have spent the last few years trying to please everyone. Any turmoil in the outside world is merely an indication that you have been seething inside for quite some time. Although it would be understandable if you now felt like packing everything in, this is certainly not the best solution. You will find it hardest to tolerate hypocritical and sanctimonious behavior - whether your own or others'. It is therefore important to clear the air and to honestly consider which aspects of your life reflect your authentic inner nature.

This influence will help you to scrutinize your ideals and visions, and to take your leave from those which are no longer relevant to any important decisions you have to make. For example, you might find that a political party or like-minded group of people of which you were once a member has lost its appeal. A clear decision to take all your imperfections seriously, and not to make lazy compromises, can be both healing and liberating, helping to give birth to new things in your life.

Happy VD!!!! Get it? ha

I received two of the best Valentine cards a girl could ever ask for . . . As a single fawn this year, I must say that I felt the love thanks to some folks. Who might they be . . . Adam J is resoonsible for the Lion Tamer image and thoughts. And then it's sweetest MM who gifted me the words and water color. The heart image comes from My Trick Pony, where last eve Mikey had an opening . . . more to come from last night soon . . . but for now, just this LOVE.

my ever constant valentines